I’ve fallen in love. I’ve been in love. But I’ve never thought about what it is to be in love. My girlfriend of over 10 years now quit her job and it’s a grad program early and flew home to be a full-time caretaker for me when I first had my TBI in late 2015. Things between us are so much different now, she and I are both so traumatized; we are so scared for the future. We don’t often sit and exist to gather like we used to, just having fun and being in the moment living life.
Now, I know she has become resentful because we have had to watch all of her friends and the people around us move forward and onward with their lives, while we seem to stay stuck on the sidelines -waiting for a breeze to lift us up and back into the night; padded softly between the aspirations and dreams we shared and held together. None of them may even come in the slightest given reality. But the dreams we held were never as inportant as the bond of love we held together. While this recovery process threatens to rip us apart, it will never leave us truly separate. Dreams will form anew, and this wake up call has shown me they’re just celestial symphonies playing to us each and setting us up to want and expect to figure out the path, to reach the dream, to settle at last and know the universe is a puzzle we’ve figured out. But the problem is this sojourn towards the skies, towards dreams of reverence and feeling special sharing the lies that achievement ends our search and breaks some finishing line at the outer bounds of the universe. Every time you reach those Outabounds the universe will expand once again, new dreams will be there for you to follow in the dreams of the past whether you cheat them where they fell to the wayside will never let you settle yourself; you’ll never rest when we light our life’s satisfaction like thousands of fireflies cauught in a lantern. Brief sparks of beauty and the inevitable opposite experience. But there is one way to be sure life held you right – to hold your love for another human being and feel, in every moment that you remind yourself, the person changes and the world around us will never stop for our selfish wish. So I cherish my girlfriend’s compassion and companionship like the grace of a sunset. Even right now, she is in my head and in my moment, and that’s all I need to feel alive. That’s all I need to feel fulfilled from life and all its spirals of defeat and oppositely wonderful grandeurs.
So tomorrow I’ll go back to battle; but now I’ll be thinking about how fortunate I am to have all of those years with my lover; to be in love with such harmony and meaningful purpose too far in the mysteries of the depths to understand why life is love; why it is that life is to be in love. If we can remind ourselves of that, none shall lay buried with the loneliness of a single headstone. But instead we may all become dreamers again, sleeping in our new bed of flowers.